My life started in the church. I was born to Christian parents. All my mom’s friends were here church friends. That was life until I was four years old. My parents were at a point of crisis in their relationship and it affected our church attendance during my formative years. It was not until I was thirteen that we began to go to church on a steady basis. Church became a religion for me. I identified as a Christian. The people I grew up with and guided me gave me this sense that I was earning my way into Heaven. That every wrong decision I made was a ticket to Hell. I knew I did not want to go to Hell.
The last three years of my grandfather’s life solidified my faith in God. I watched a gambling alcoholic (dabbled in drugs, too) turn his life over to God. He had a brush with death. His near-death experience allowed him to taste Hell or what he perceived to be Hell. His kidneys were failing, on dialysis, and his heart was never strong enough to handle the permanent port for the procedure. His heart stopped twice after both attempts in 2001 and in 2003. It also meant he was hospitalized often, but God used every hospitalization to save a new soul. In 2003, his last few weeks of life he had another near-death experience that led to stories that sounded like something out of the Bible. (I’ll talk about his story in great detail in the future). I knew God existed, but it was not enough.
The year my grandfather died, I had already lost a friend and was molested by my neighbor. I had a bad relationship with my father. I was awkward (and awkward looking). I desperately wanted to fill a void in my life. A void that created a heavy amount of pain for me. Church did not fill that void. It was an obligation. It brought no joy. I thought to have a boyfriend would. I would not feel awkward anymore or believe that I was fat or ugly.
Boyfriends never did fill that void. I was a girl obsessed, though. How could I make myself prettier so boys would like me? I starved myself, (horribly) wore make-up, and squeezed myself into tight clothes. The icing on the cake was losing my virginity, so that void would go away. I had been raised to wait until marriage, but it did not happen. A choice up until recently I was proud of, but now I see where it was the big stumbling block.
When my husband stepped into the picture he became an idol. I was a girl obsessed. I thought I had found my happiness, the way all the fairytales tell you. I also became obsessed with becoming a mother. I was sure that would bring me happiness, also. When I thought I was close to the void being filled, I learned that worldly idols only destroy you. I was destroyed.
This is four-part series is titled God is Bae for a reason. Even though I claimed to believe in God and what Jesus had done for humanity on the cross, what I truly worshipped nearly destroyed my will to live in 2015. I wanted to take my life, but I am a mother who did not want to leave her son motherless. I even shamefully thought about taking his life, too, so he did not have to go through life without me. However, I cherished his life more than mines, thank God. Instead, I listened to life-saving advice from my husband’s aunt. She told me to fast and pray about my situation.
God answered immediately. He told me in an essence it was time to look in the mirror. The monster in that mirror looked back and I realized it was my reflection. I hated looking at myself and I knew I had to change. I discovered that my pursuit to change was not dependant on myself, but that I had to fall in love with God. His love would transform and continues to. I began to understand His heart, and what a Heart it is. It’s deeper than human comprehension and overwhelmingly satisfying.
What almost destroyed me brought me to God’s Purposeful Love. Without this love, I would have never gotten to what my purpose was. It’s His love that awakens our love, but most of all, it made me realize the existence of humanity was because of His love.
This blog is meant to be an expression of this. It is about God. It’s His blog, my blog and yours. I want to share how God’s love has given your life purpose. I want pictures, blog posts, and videos on how God’s love has given you purpose.
January is about focusing on making God come before anything or anyone else (Bae, for those older than the millennial generation). In prayer and devotions, I have created, we will stir up the desire for God to become Bae. I am excited to begin this journey with you. Let me know how God’s love has given you purpose or you want to discover it, send me an email! I am excited to start this journey with you.